


I’ll Be Missing You

by kaybohls



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Car Accidents, Cemetery, Character Death, Death, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Family, Family Drama, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, No Fluff, RTCWG
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 18:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17872139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls
Summary: Ben Solo finally faces the death of his father.





	I’ll Be Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> A little (not so fun) drabble I wrote for Reylo Trash Compactor Writer’s Group (come join us!!) 
> 
> Our prompt was to write 100-1000 words based on the title of the last song we had listened to. Lucky me, I got a sad one!
> 
> My song was “I’ll Be Missing You” by Puff Daddy
> 
> Hopefully this will cure any toothaches caused by the ultra fluffy Single Riders Only! *winks*

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144005946@N02/46441079024/in/dateposted-public/)

 

One year. It had been one year since he’d been gone. Ben had taken every chance he could to avoid coming here during those excruciating 365 days. Excuse after excuse tumbling over his lips when Leia would call to ask if he had gone to see him yet. Every ounce of disappointment and pain in her voice was a painful lance through his heart.

He hadn’t been able to face it until now. The thought of coming to see him and properly say goodbye filled him with a cold dread. Ben couldn’t bear to face the guilt he felt over the death of his father and the hand he had in it. 

One year. One fucking year for him to man up and face what he had done.

Ben toed the ground at the foot of the grave, pressing his mouth together in a thin line to try and hold in the grief that oozed from him. He knew that once the dam was broken, he wouldn’t be able to stem the flow. 

Bending down to brush snow from the foot-stone, Ben traced his bare fingers over the letters that were delicately inlaid within the black stone.

In Loving Memory of  
Han Solo.  
July 13, 1956 – January 2, 2018  
In one of the stars I shall be living.

Agonizing memories of Han flashed through his mind and Ben grimaced as he pressed his palm against the icy granite. His dad had been the fun one growing up, teaching him all the things his mother frowned upon. He saw a goofy eared boy throwing weak punches into Han’s palm as he taught him how to defend himself against the cruel bullies who teased him relentlessly. 

His smiles were bountiful and his bear hugs never ending.

As Ben grew older, the distance between them grew as he became angrier at the world for no good reason, thinking that his parents couldn’t possibly understand the problems of a seventeen year old.

The first time the police brought him home on assault charges split them further apart as Han tried to reason with Ben that he shouldn’t use his fists to solve all his problems. The chasm grew ever wider when Ben grew to adulthood, eager to be his own man and make his own choices. His heart had hardened over time and he found himself grimly immune to the heartbroken look in his father’s eyes. He bitterly listened as they begged him to turn his life around, to come home, saying that they missed him but there was nothing that could break through his walls that could fill the void between them.

On that night, for a fleeting moment, Ben had begun to realize how trapped he felt in the cage his life had become and had the urge to be with them like they had been so many, many years before. Ben was wrong to think that there wouldn’t be any blowback, the air between them instantly charged with an unbreakable tension. Leia begged for him to come home. Han relentlessly urged him to snap out of the delusion he was living in, desperate to make Ben see the poisonous people he worked for for who they truly were. Ben shamelessly screamed a flurry of obscenities at them before thundering out the door and into the snow with his heart beating furiously in his chest. He angrily slammed the door of his Mustang, flying down the precarious road and into the night.

He didn’t know how quickly Han had followed him in his precious Falcon, the classic sports car careening dangerously across the slippery surface to catch up to his son. 

It had all happened in a flash.

Headlights in his rear view mirror. 

The ear splitting screech of the brakes.

The jarring sound of metal bashing against asphalt.

The shattering of glass and then suddenly…silence.

The moments between Ben pulling himself from his car and stumbling towards the twisted wreckage of the Falcon were a fog. There was only him in the snow and the sound of his screams ringing through the trees as the rest of the world went by in slow motion.

Ben had been numb to the gravity of his loss, caught in the tangled web his guilt weaved around him. He had finally done what Han had begged him to do. The time had finally come and he was here…as close to home as he would ever get. 

The weight of his grief finally crumbled his resolve, sending him breathlessly to his knees in the snow, giving way to the flood of tears that coursed down his cheeks. The walls he had built that he had convinced himself had kept him strong came crumbling down. Moment by moment, they fell with the salty drops that landed in the snow caked epitaph of his father. As much as he tried to hold it in, his pain came out with a furor from his throat in the form of a silent scream as his muffled sobs wracked his chest. The cemetery around him blurred. The sights. The sounds. The taste of his tears across the his lips. Everything was gone. Everything darkened into nothingness as he breathlessly rumbled against the granite,

“I’m so sorry, Dad. I miss you.”

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed as he poured his grief out over the grave. He sat back into the snow, not caring if he got wet. Wiping his tear strewn face with the sleeve of his coat, he dug his fingers into the snow at his feet and pulled a pebble from underneath the soft whiteness. 

Ben smoothed the pad of his thumb across the cool stone, pulling himself to his feet. He strode to the simple headstone and placed the simple pebble on the wide edge of the granite. Placing his palm against the cool surface, he closed his eyes and murmured into the bitterly cold air,

“I love you.”

Wherever he was, he knew Han answered,

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to shoot a quick THANK YOU to my readers!! You are all so incredible and I am always completely overjoyed to see your comments pop up in my inbox!!
> 
> The response to Single Riders Only has totally blown me away and I am so SO grateful to all of you who left comments and kudos!!
> 
> Love you all!
> 
> -KB xoxo


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